Painful to Watch - Swamp Ape

Welcome to the third rant review about horrible movies of the "Painful to Watch" series by an over the top frustrated Robb P. Lestinci. We witnessed some italian junk dressed up as a sword-and-sorcery movie and a movie so bad that it was forgotten by its own producers, but they can't top the ugliness found in that disgrace of "Swamp Ape", a 2017 monster feature by Geoff Ward.

They actually bought a penis pump for this shit-show.

A bunch of college students (performed by people who never acted in their whole life and that probably have never seen a movie before) have to study the pollution levels in a shady swamp where a horny man in a Halloween Bigfoot-like costume (supposedly a skunk ape, a cryptid which inhabits Florida's swamps according to local legends) is roaming free killing dogs and people with bad stock cgi blood effects, except for the hot chick who gets straight up sexually assaulted in an unnerving fashion (you can even see his genitalia, because of course it was necessary). Like that wasn't enough there are some other random hazards scattered around because they probably didn't know how to fill up 58 minutes.

Never seen a worst directing, editing and acting and I'm honestly unsure if this could be considered a real movie. It looks like it was shot with a phone (and probably was): the cinematography is all over the place and the image is constantly shaking.

It rapidly became a furry rape fantasy

The score is random stock music taken from YouTube, the characters are just paper stand-ins put in a nonsensical plot. 

It's so bad is not even laughable and actually pretty painful to watch. The sound editing is tremendous and it's dreaful to focus while watching whatever the hell this is. It's not even trash, it directly belongs to the trash can. At least it's free. Man, imagine paying to see this vivid nightmare of a movie. Not even the awful and poor looking monster would pay for that. 

Scooby-Doo! vibes

The most horrific part of this is the transition during the campfire scene. Who even thought of that? I'm pretty sure they filmed an actual dead raccoon as well and that's just gross. They probably found it in the middle of the road and thought "uuuuh, spooky", even if it had no correlation to the movie as a whole. The usage of stock panoramics in one scene is also laughable. It's so clear they took it from some random YouTube video. And let's not talk about the moral at the end, it came out of nowhere, made no sense at all and... Am I really trying to figure out literally anything in a movie that couldn't even do its ending credits centered and that uses a bad red filter to make the audience realize it's a "scary" scene?

The funny moments are sad as well. Hahah fat lady eats. Hahah the dull jerk farts. Hahah teetbrush stuck in the ass. Peak comedy. So funny. Oh and of course there's a scene where the male "characters" are peeping trought the windows of the obviously hot girls. And of course one of 'em is later naked and covers her breasts in the most unnatural way: she literally squeezes them instead of covering and I'm scared to know if it was intentional and actually asked by the "director" or not. 

His face is just priceless.

It's less than a hour long, but for more than half of its run-time there's nothing going on and it feels like double its lenght. How did they achieve this? You'd literally have to try hard to make something this bad. 

I'm still wondering why the guy who loses an arm (in the fakest way possible) eats cheetos "to feel better". Is it product placement? Is this supposed to make me laugh? Why on Earth would someone actually release this? 

Why.

And yeah, this Geoff Ward is the Geoff Ward from those cringe sexist videos.

You can watch the movie for free on the official Hollyward (hah, funny, you seen what he did? Laugh. Please laugh) channel here. For more english reviews you can click here and don't forget to follow me on letterboxd! 

PAINFUL REVIEW BY