More than a review this is a rant by our founder and author Robb P. Lestinci about one of the worst movies ever made and the first article of our brand new english series, Painful to Watch, where we'll talk about some of the crappiest flicks existing out there. This time we'll cover Ator 2: L'invincibile Orion (Italy, 1982), also know as The Blade Master or Cave Dwellers, by Joe D'Amato.
"(Ator 2) was made in great haste and almost without a script [...] (we made it) to take advantage of a contract we had with Miles O'Keefe"
- Joe D'Amato
Let's get straight to it: this movie is not simply awful, it's even worse, and there's no way you can expect how bad it truly is. I'm surpised and pretty proud of myself to have been able to finish it without any break. It was hard, I wont lie to you, and sometimes my brain just turned off because it couldn't handle it, but I did it and that's what really matters.
This horrible italian "Conan the Barbarian" ripoff is the second movie by a Joe D'Amato at his worse, about the son of Thor, Ator, a hero without any real characterization or... anything really. He's just big and bulky and, apparently, something of an alchemist or a chemist. I never watched the first one and I highly doubt I ever will, but the movie doesn't really follow the events of the first one being more of a standalone adventure. In any case, at the beginning of the sequel there's a quick summary of what happened to our beloved hero in his first adventure and it looked bad. And yet not as bad as it'll get in this movie. Man, can you believe that those stock footages were the best part of the movie?
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| Our three dull protagonists with all their inexistent glory |
The scenography, set design, effects and costumes are just lazy and cheap. There's no point in having cavemen, medieval knights, castles and samurais living in the Paleolithic era or whatever period it should be. Really, it's as messed up as it can get and that still isn't the worst part. In the snakepit scene, you can see the single worst fake skulls props you'll ever see in your whole life. Trust me, they are even worse than those cheap ones you can buy in your local store for Halloween. And what's up with those horrible stock footages explosions? Where the hell did they find something that unconvincing and ugly and why did they think it was a good idea to put them into a movie? Too many unanswered questions...
The sound effects are really out of place, the sword sounds never seem like something you'll hear from a sword cutting or piercing someone. Actually, it looks like neither Joe D'Amato nor the coreographer knew at all how swords work.
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| The uncharismatic and stupid villain of this garbage, Zor |
Talking about the directing it's easy to assume Joe D'Amato didn't know what the hell he was doing and wanted it to be as quick as possible. The cinematography is awful and the editing is painful to watch, probably the worst I've ever seen in a movie and I'm not even joking about it. I thought "AlbaKiara" (a future episode of Painful to Watch will cover it) was bad, but this is the shitties thing my eyes ever landed on.
The cast is really weak with some obscure actors that would hardly ever appear again in any role. The main actor, Miles O'Keeffe, better known for the 1981 "Tarzan, The Ape Man", is the only one that can kinda save himself even if he's just a cheap Arnold Schwarzenegger and that's clearly the only reason why he got the part. Kiro Wehara, the mute asian slave (ouch, that's racist, Joe!) only appeared in like 2 other b-movies and he probably never spoke a single line because he was so bad that even Joe D'Amato had second thoughts about his casting. Lisa Foster is the pretty Mila and that's it, her role is being pretty, period.
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| It's even hard to find hight quality pictures of this celluloid nightmare |
Sometimes, in the dialogues, you kinda get a glimpse of an idea. But you quickly realize the truth: it was all just an illusion. A self defence mechanism of your brain to try and convince itself that it's impossible that someone really made this crap and cashed out of it, that the world we live in is not that unfair. But, in reality, it is. And you, the viewer, are just wasting your time.
Sadly, this isn't yet the worse that this movie has to offer. There's something that can top terrible acting, an awful plot and bad effects. The soundtrack. It's the worst melody your ears will ever listen to and in one scene, the hand glider one (why in the hell is there a hand glider scene? What year is this? I'm even more confused...), you can ear it in all its out of tune glory, as loud as it could have been played.
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| Unfortunatlly Ator looses his badass and completely useless cape pretty quickly, while our heroine never gets a shot without her legs exposed |
A movie without any passion. A movie where no one really tried to do something acceptable. A crime against the viewers and cinema as a whole. Truly one of the worst movies ever.
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